Community - Part 3

As a practicing Christian who often has difficulty finding belonging in religious spaces, it is fascinating and reassuring that it is not just me. The responses from the American Survey Center also reported that people are not finding close relationships in their churches anymore. These findings may have to do with the decline of the Church in the West, but I also wonder if something is missing in how we do church. Our churches do not generally begin with belonging. They begin with an invitation into their community, but that does not mean you belong. Being one who has inhabited Church spaces for the majority of my life, I am very familiar with the dizzying amount of unspoken social rules and expectations in church. You must first jump through the hoops of learning how you are supposed to show up in that space, and in the end, if you make it through, pray the right prayer, you are in. But it does not end there. You must continue to demonstrate your worth and adherence to maintain your membership. This is not belonging, this is fitting in. According to the researcher Brene Brown, “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” So what if we begin with belonging? What if we were to start from the requirement to be who you are? Even if you are a little or even really rough around the edges. Even if you do not agree with some of what is being taught. Would our churches become places of belonging? Would they become the places where people would come to find community?

I recently listened to Jeanie Allen’s podcast with a pastor in the underground church in Afghanistan. He said, “The religious church says, Behave. Then you will believe. Then you belong. Jesus says, first, you belong. Then you believe, then you behave." This. This is what we need. We need belonging first. We need places where we can show up as who we are. Not who we are told we are supposed to be or who we think we are supposed to be in those spaces, but who we are. From that belonging, we can learn and grow and change. Fitting in leaves us feeling as though we are not enough. It leaves us feeling like we need to strive or that we need to perform. Belonging leaves us feeling like we are enough. It is in the enoughness we can learn who we can become and who we are created to be.

Many of the places we inhabit in our daily lives require fitting in, but rarely do they extend belonging. Whether we acknowledge it or not, one of our deepest desires as humans is to belong. We are sometimes sold the lie that we have what we need inside us, but the reality is that we are inextricably tied to one another. Humanity does not live alone; we inhabit this world together. We can be the source of each other's greatest joys but also our greatest pains. We are interconnected, and there is a deep need to have that connection. One of the hardest parts of creating a place or space of belonging is the willingness to show up as who you are. Not performing or fitting in but showing up and being the vulnerable true you. If I am honest, this is not something that comes easy to me. I am a social chameleon, and I know who I need to be to blend in. I take the time to observe what’s expected, and I toe the line. But the moments when I have stepped out of line, challenged the status quo, and showed up as who I am, not who I am supposed to be, are the moments of the greatest depth. Does it always go well? Absolutely not, but there is something holy about those moments when you show up, and someone meets you in that place. As I have said repeatedly, this is not easy, but as we extend belonging by showing up authentically, we slowly create the spaces we all long for. So maybe take the risk, and if it goes badly, take it again. Because maybe, just maybe, you can create that holy place of belonging.